London’s burning: England’s riots ‘a conspiracy hatched in Pakistan’s tribal areas’

Most thought the recent riots in England were simple riots involving hooligans. However, in a bizarre twist to a constantly unfolding plot an 'Al-Qaeeda' connection has been uncovered. British intelligence, in a dossier delivered to the cabinet's COBRA security committee, devoted much time to the theory that the rioting was not spontaneous but rather a part of a sophisticated Islamist conspiracy hatched overseas.

One British intelligence official had this to say of the situation: "This is a game changer. Islamic militants have upped their game several notches and are deliberately employing non-Muslims to indulge in anti-social behaviour."  The official went on to add, "Although the new strategy reflects our success in battling traditional forms of Islamic terrorism, Al-Qaeeda and its affiliates have reinvented themselves by utilizing such unconventional means." 

The report suggests that Mark Duggan's death was part of a complicated Al-Qaeeda plot intended to destabilize Britain. Mark Duggan's death, allegedly at the hands of London police, sparked the rioting which engulfed several British cities last week.

Intelligence sources indicate the report was compiled with assistance from CIA agents responsible for tracking Al-Qaeeda's deep undercover 'sleeper' cells in Europe. Investigators are also working to uncover links between 'English gang leaders' and Egyptian Islamist leaders actively involved in overthrowing Mubarak's regime.

An MI5 representative, the British government agency responsible for counterintelligence, informed prime minister Cameron that the diversity of rioters was a deliberate plan by militants to 'throw the scent' away from Islamists themselves. Non-Muslims were the main instigators of violence for the same purpose of gaining 'plausible deniability' for Islamic radicals.

Apparently, the mass of English rioters were 'incubated' over years, sometimes decades, by Islamist radicals operating through a chain of safe houses. European security analysts believe Islamist safe houses, including fully fledged madrassas, exist throughout the British Isles and mainland Europe. Such Islamist safe houses are concentrated mainly in urban areas with large Muslim populations, including in France and Germany.  

Training methods employed by the Islamist cells are often so advanced it is difficult for agents to ascertain whether they are extreme right wing nationalist cells or Islamist cells bent on imposing sharia in Britain. Though the cells are staffed mostly by non-Muslim males, sources suggest cell handlers receive orders from leaders based in Pakistan's tribal areas. 

Unnamed sources informed the Grand Moofti that the immediate use of military force against Islamist safe houses, especially in parts of East London, Bradford and Birmingham was discussed by the cabinet's COBRA committee. However, upon advice from the military's top brass, it was decided to postpone any military action until Special Forces troops with relevant experience in Afghanistan return to Britain later in the year.

Instead, an alternate proposal to redeploy units of the Royal Ulster Constabulary (RUC) from Northern Ireland to England is being actively considered. The RUC's extensive experience in dealing with urban violence sponsored by religiously inspired terrorist cells makes them ideal for the current situation in England.

Muslim activists are alarmed at the allegations linking Islam to the violence. In a public statement, the Muslim Council of Britain stated that "all lawbreakers and miscreants, irrespective of religious affiliation, must feel the full force of the law. This is not a time to further divide the nation. We are all Britons first."

Social activists dismiss the government's claims of an Al-Qaeeda hand in the recent unrest. These activists place the blame squarely upon the creation of an 'underclass' following decades of unbridled 'Thatcherism' within the country. Social activists demand the establishment of a judicial commission to study the 'real' causes of violence. Additionally, they believe the commission should have adequate power to reverse 'harmful and unjust' social policies implemented by successive governments'.

Undeniably, Britain is at a crossroads. The nation's future as an adjunct leader of the Free World is at stake. Britain's leadership sounded a defiant note.

"The future of western civilization is at stake. This is not a battle we can walk away from. Our successes in Iraq and Afghanistan tell us we will succeed right here at home. My government must and will bring to light any and all Al-Qaeeda efforts to disrupt British society. Clearly, Al-Qaeeda has adapted to the new security environment and so must British society," said the Prime Minister in a prepared statement to parliament.

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N.B. The above article is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.